3rd January 2011.

Basketball Training.

Got there and got ready to play. Finished warm-up drills and started the 5 on 5. First play, Gerald did the jump ball with Issac, Issac got it and the game started. I started off with a few backdoor cuts, no ball. Ran back on defense couldn't defend shit. Fucking outside guards keep scoring and I cannot do anything. Kenneth got screen and I fucking never go up and switch fuck. Ends up with a made 3 pointer. Changed my gameplay abit, made more screens to get my legs moving. People keep stop dribbling before I can even get a chance to help them screen. Even worse, I went to get e ball but cause my own teammate to lose it instead fuck. Tried to rebound but kept flying off the damn backboard. When i got it, fucking pass it to enemy fuck. Couldn't do one shit right. Next match, ended on opposite team. could see it was really my fucking problem. Score was 6-nil then changed to 16-2 WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING? I didn't run back on defense, didn't keep to wei sheng when on defense, stayed at same spot on offense. Even when I set up a pick, I couldn't fucking roll. Legs were too fucking lazy. Got the ball on the fast break but kanna chasedown block by wei sheng off the layup. I didn't want to fucking pass over cause I know my pass damn cui. Before I throw a fucking off pass to mark DAMN IT. Should have slowed down and posted up. Next play was so frustrated so guess did a hard foul on wei sheng. I wouldn't normally do this but I was playing too fucking lousy to care alrdy. Damn it. Thought during training that it was my teammates fault for not fucking trusting me with the ball but realised it was my fault. I am too weak, too inexperienced, no game, skills zero, legs pathetic, heart gone. Player? Waste. How can I live with myself like this? Get stronger. The inches I need to get stronger are everywhere, I need to tear myself and other people to shreds for every inch if I really want to play well. If I don't get that inch, someone else is gonna get it and I'm gonna regret it. What use is a dream if you don't pursue it? Fucking waste your body if you wanna live with yourself. If you don't, just quit, you're a shell of me. I'm not like this. I'm one who kills myself to get better and play to my best. Go to hell.

HOW CAN YOU LIVE WITH YOURSELF LIKE THIS? YOU'RE WEAK.